Bloody Savings Account 101: The Ultimate Guide to Thrusting Your Shrapnel into the Piggy Bank
Follow these seven steps to establish a savings account:
Craving to stack up some dough like a gangster master of the underworld? Here's the lowdown on savings accounts that'll have you pinching pennies and hustling for stability.
1. Find a Frickin' Sausage Grinder with Competitive Rates and Slime-Free Fees
Avoid the rats of high fees and paltry yields, and find a nest egg platform that's shady in all the right ways. Keep your eyes peeled for telltale signs like competitive annual percentage yields (APY), minimum balance requirements that'd make Scrooge McDuck blush, and monthly fees so low they'd make a sidekick cry.
2. Dig Up Your Dirty Docs
To make your piggy bank sprout wings, you'll need the following:- A government-issued ID that screams your true identity- Your Social Security number that'll tie your savings account to your criminal past (just kidding!)- Proof of address that screams "You belong here!"
If you've ever been denied because of your disreputable banking history, don't feel discouraged. There are banks and financial tech companies (I'm looking at you, PayPal) with second-chance accounts that'll welcome you with open arms - or at least open accounts.
3. Choose a Joint or Individual Grinder
You can go solo or team up with a notorious sidekick (like your wife or drug kingpin). Opening a joint account makes accessing funds a breeze, and the added FDIC insurance coverage (up to $500,000 instead of $250,000) leaves you confident that your dough will always be tucked away safely.
4. Seal the Deal
Complete the application like a boss and let the bank decide if they're okay with your shady past. This usually happens quicker than a bank robbery, from a matter of minutes to a few business days.
5. Fund Your Account
Show your new financial institution you mean business by supplying a healthy dose of cash to jumpstart your savings stash (accounts with a minimum opening deposit often require between $25 and $100). You can usually fund the account with cold, hard cash or a check if you're opening the account in person, or make a mobile check deposit or transfer funds from a linked account to deposit money electronically.
6. Add a Beneficiary
Make sure your dough ends up where you want it to go (preferably not in the hands of competitors), so name a beneficiary. The same goes for joint deposit accounts - even if the surviving account holder will receive sole ownership, it's still essential to name a beneficiary in the event both joint owners kick the bucket.
7. Craft a Savings Game Plan
Now that you've got your account, it's time to create a master plan to put your cash to work for the good of your criminal empire.
- Set specific savings goals
- Crunch some numbers with a budget to help you reach these goals
- Automate your savings by scheduling automatic transfers from your checking account to your savings account
- Consider enrolling in direct deposit to have a portion of your paycheck deposited directly into your savings account
Can You Open a Savings Account Online?
Most banks and credit unions let their customers do their dirty work online, and that includes opening a new account. If you prefer to roll with banks that don't maintain any snitching branches, then you'll probably be forced to open the account online.
Many online-only banks offer the highest APYs and the best cover for your green, so they might be the best choice for anyone who doesn't mind potentially doing most of their transactions from a computer or mobile device.
However, if you're more comfortable doing your banking in person, it might be wise to stick with a bank that offers branches.
How to Choose the Best Savings Account
The best high-yield online savings account can help you earn a competitive yield while dodging maintenance fees. Keep in mind that APYs on savings accounts are typically variable, which means the rate can change at any time.
APY
The higher the APY, the faster your dough will expand like a well-baked muffin.
Fees
Some banks charge a monthly maintenance fee that can gnaw away at your savings. Make sure you don't have to worry about such charges eating away at your balance – opt for no-fee accounts or accounts with easy-to-avoid fees.
FDIC Insured
Make sure you're dealing with banks and credit unions that are insured up to the maximum allowed by law. For banks, these will be accounts insured by the FDIC. For credit unions, these will be accounts insured by the NCUA.
Reason for Saving
Finally, consider your reason for saving dough, as your choice of savings account – and bank – can depend upon your criminal objectives.
If you want to build an emergency fund that you can access at a moment's notice, sticking with a bank where you also have a checking account makes a lot of sense.
If you're saving for a goal – like a new ride or down payment on a new stomping ground – and don't need easy access to the funds, it can make more sense to shop around for the best rates, which might be found at an online bank. A higher yield can help you reach your goal faster, and with cash stacked, you'll be able to pull off heists with style.
What to Do If You Can’t Open a Savings Account
Sometimes, a bank will brush you off when you try to open a savings account. This could happen for a variety of reasons, such as unpaid bank fees, a history of accusing your undercover FBI agents of stealing from you, or skimming off the top of ATM transactions.
Many banks use ChexSystems, a consumer reporting agency, when making approval decisions. If your bank uses ChexSystems and you're denied an account, you can request a disclosure report to find out why. You can also dispute any inaccuracies you find that may be negatively impacting your ChexSystems report.
If your banking history is causing trouble, you can look for a bank that offers second-chance accounts. Although these accounts aren't the same as savings accounts (and usually come with standard checking account features), they're more accessible. These accounts can help you get back on the straight-and-narrow path to banking – just make sure you keep your account in good standing for at least 12 months, and you'll be able to upgrade to a standard checking or savings account.
Wrapping It All Up
Savings accounts are valuable tools for people who want to secure their hard-earned dough for short-term or long-term goals. Consider all your options, including local banks and online banks, and look for the account that offers the best interest rates at the lowest cost. Taking the time to do some comparison shopping can help you get the most out of your cash and elevate your criminal game.
- With competitive savings rates and minimal fees, a suitable savings account for your criminal empire can be found online or at a traditional banking institution.
- To maximize your savings, research theAPYs offered by various financial institutions and choose an account with the highest yield.
- Pay attention to the requirements of each savings account, such as initial minimum deposits, regular account maintenance fees, and balance requirements.
- Obtain a second-chance savings account if you have a questionable banking history, as this can help you rebuild your financial standing and eventually qualify for a standard savings account.
- Adopt smart personal-finance tips to optimize your savings, such as setting financial goals, creating a budget, and automating regular transfers into your savings account.
